Wizardphone!
rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept inside of a Faraday cage located at Site-79. Removal of SCP-XXXX for testing must be authorized by at least one personnel holding Level 3 Clearance, and must require a valid reason (see Document XXXX-TESTPROC for guidelines). The locker containing SCP-XXXX is to be reinforced with memetic, physical, and chemical access locks.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a biomechanical device consisting of an electronic keypad, microphone, and speaker attached to a roughly spherical orb of flesh approximately 0.35 meters in diameter. Passive analysis indicates that the biological portion of SCP-XXXX consists of cells of unorthodox structure containing a single-helix strand of heavy metals in place of DNA.

Usage of SCP-XXXX allows for two-way communication with entities through unknown means. SCP-XXXX's keypad 45 keys: the nine Arabic numbers, the 30 characters of the German alphabet, a pound sign, three keys with as-of-yet unidentified symbols on them, an "End Call" key, and a "Dial" key. Pressing any combination of two or more of the first 43 keys, then pressing the "Dial" key will cause SCP-XXXX to connect to one of these entities. In addition, currently poorly understand manipulation of the biological portions of SCP-XXXX also affects the targeted entity.

In most cases, entities communicated with via SCP-XXXX appear to be familiar with communication through SCP-XXXX, and will speak with users with varying levels of compassion or hostility. See Testing Log XXXX-1 for more information.

Testing Log

Following recovery, testing of SCP-XXXX was conducted in order to determine the nature of its owner, as well as the extent of the entities that could be contacted with it.

Procedure: The following keys were pressed in this order: 1-2-3-a-Dial

Dialogue:

Researcher Calvin: Hello?

UNKNOWN: Jim's whore house, you got the dough, we got the hoe.

Researcher Calvin: Uh, well… hi, do you—

UNKNOWN: <Deep bellied laughing.> Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya'. Listen kid, if you call me again, I'll sic the fucking police on you, ya' hear?

Call ends from Recipient's slide.

Notes: First call taken on SCP-XXXX. This prompted further investigation.

Procedure: The following keys were pressed in this order: 9-9-Dial

Dialogue:

Researcher Calvin: Hello?

<Pause.>

Robotic Voice: Your call is very important to us. Please hold.

<Music begins playing. Singers identified as the same ones from SCP-407. Researcher Calvin waits for 3 hours before ending the call. Song looped the entire time with no identified anomalous effects.>

Notes: N/A

Procedure: The keys 9-9 were pressed, then the upmost hemisphere of SCP-XXXX was depressed with the palm of Researcher Calvin's hand, then the Dial key is pressed.

Dialogue:

Researcher Calvin: H—

UNKNOWN: <In Russian.> Hello, friend! I am Sal, the friendly squid seller! How can I help you today, good friend!

Researcher Calvin: Hello, Sal. By any chance, do you know anything about a man named "Michael Beihl"?

UNKNOWN: Sorry friend, that is against the privacy policy? How about I give you a squid?

Researcher Calvin: No, no, I have no need of—

UNKNOWN: Nonsense, friend! Everyone can use a squid! I just love selling squids! Say, I will give you the first squid for free, on the house!

Researcher Calvin: That's a generous offer, but I—

Call ends from recipient's side.

Notes: A specimen of Sepioteuthis sepioidea was found at Researcher Calvin's residence shortly after this dialogue, contained within a small tank of water. Squid has been moved to Site-79's anomalous animal containment division for analysis.

Procedure: 1-9-0-1-Pull on one of the "horns" on SCP-XXXX-5-Dial

Dialogue:

UNKNOWN: <Raspy voice, German> Hey Mike, what's the code?

Researcher Calvin: Uhh… cinnamon?

UNKNOWN: Not even close, imposter. Eat my entire anus.

Call ends from recipient's side.

Notes: N/A

Procedure: 9-9-Dial, once again

Dialogue:

UNKNOWN: <In Russian, unenthusiastic> Welcome to Ralph's Squid Repo. We take squids off of your hands. Do you need a squid taken off of your hands?

Researcher Calvin: Wait, no. We don't—

UNKNOWN: Too bad, already consented by calling us. We will pick it up from you soon. <Whispering.> By Mekhane, I hate this fuckin' job.

Researcher Calvin ends the call.

Notes: The squid specimen obtained earlier was secured in a locker in order to prevent theft. Nevertheless, the squid, along with its tank, disappeared, with a paper bill for "500 simmercoins." Personnel looking at this bill report mild anxiety, and it has been classified as an Anomalous Item.

Procedure: 3-4-5-Press top of hemisphere-0-0-Press bottom of hemisphere-Dial

Dialogue:

<Stumbling noises, device is apparently dropped.>

UNKNOWN: <Male, casual, German> What's up, Mikey man! Haven't seen you in forever, how's it been?

<Silence.>

UNKNOWN: Dude, I don't know how you pulled off that heist, but, man, I heard you got fuckin' shot. Are you alright? I know that the big robots are hard to steal, but I knew you could do it, fella.

Researcher Calvin: <Imitating German accent.> Hey, friend. Yeah, it was tough, but I managed.

<Pause.>

UNKNOWN: Mike's never said "managed" in his life, who the hell are you?

Researcher Calvin: <Regular voice.> We can promise you a reward, if you cooperate. What do you want?

UNKNOWN: Listen, man. I don't know what you've done with Mike, and I don't know how you got his phone. But I swear to Mekhane, if you're hurting Mike, or if you've got him locked up in one of your bullshit boxes, but you're in for a whole lot of hurt. I've got friends over at the Mages Academy. Release him, and I promise you no trouble.

Researcher Calvin: Unfortunately, we can't offer that.

UNKNOWN: Then go to hell.

Call ended by receiver.

Notes: Believed to be a close associate of PoI-5487. Voice record matching is still underway.

Procedure: 3-4-5-Press top of hemisphere-0-0-Press bottom of hemisphere-Dial

Dialogue:

<Silence.>

Researcher Calvin: Hello?

UNKNOWN: <Gasps.> What the fuck?

Researcher Calvin: I talked to you earlier, we can offer a much greater compensation this time.

UNKNOWN: No, fuck off. Who are you?

Researcher Calvin: I'm— that's classified, unfortunately.

UNKNOWN: Don't be coy with me, bitch. Do you know who you're dealing with?

Researcher Calvin: …the Mages Academy?

UNKNOWN: No, you fucking idiot! I'm Dr. Bright!

Researcher Calvin: Wait, wait, fuck. <Pause.> Fuck. This is Researcher Calvin, from the Avian Division. Code is [DATA REDACTED]

Dr. Bright: …how are you in my head?

Researcher Calvin: We're testing a new anomalous artifact that we found after the breach. I guess I accidentally called you.

Dr. Bright: Alright, alright. Just get out of my head and we're even.

Researcher Calvin: Fair enough.

<Researcher Calvin ends the call.>

Notes: Questioning of Dr. Bright revealed that he had not been the subject of any anomalous phenomena of the sort described above. True recipient of the call unknown.

Incident Report: On 2019-04-03, at 1900 hours UTC, radio interference was detected at Site-79 during a conference call between Site Director Georgus and the O5 council. This interference was traced to SCP-XXXX, which was broadcasting and receiving signals despite not being actively used. After this, a radio receiver was set up near SCP-XXXX, and the contents of the signals1 were recorded:

—shouldn't be too much of a problem. It's not like Foundation knows anything about magic.

I'm mostly scared about them going after the police. More likely, going with the police, and actually learning how to stop us.

You really think the Foundation gives a damn about anything outside of containing shit? They don't even help the dogs. I remember Jeremy used to say, "if the Foundation was a hospital, and you walked in with a bullet wound in your heart, they'd cut your heart out and keep it for study."

Heh, yeah. Hey, you want me to do anything with the phone?

Nah, let 'em have it. It's not like I give a shit if they have my contact list, everyone hates me now. Worst thing they'll do is piss off some extradimensional entity, but honestly I'm so nihilistic at this point that I'd be glad if that happened.

<Chuckle.> Good to talk with you. Have a nice containment.

Stop saying that shit. Only reason I'm staying here is because they give me three meals and board for free.

Fair 'nuff.

The first voice was identified as the "associate" of PoI-5487 who was spoken with via SCP-XXXX during testing. The second voice was PoI-5487 himself. A check revealed that PoI-5487 was still in his containment cell, gagged. A Faraday cage has been put around SCP-XXXX to prevent future communications.

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