Dog Days

Deer College Odyssey

The Buck Stops Here

THREE PORTLANDS FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2019 YOUR FIRSTBORN GAMETE

AGOGE CLASSES 2019

A FRESHMAN’S GUIDE

by Town Drunk Henrik Sturmatem (⁂stormbreath)

Welcome to the annual festival of learning at Deer College: Agoge1! Contrary to the rest of the year, this is the one week at this college where actual learning and education takes place. We got that full flipped classroom model going on now! Students educating the professors about the dumbest shit possible. Take the egde off before getting back into the full swing of things for one week after winter break.

For those freshmen who haven't been with us for an Agoge before, you're in for a treat of a week. I took the time to dredge through the courses and find the newest and greatest hits that'll be sure to entertain.


UNDERWATER BASKET WEAVING

Taught by Erica “Buddy” Burrowitt (⁂perpetuallywasted)


Alright, let’s just get this one out of the way. We’re a liberal arts college. It’s the joke class about liberal arts colleges. We’re ironic memelords, how can we not include Underwater Basket Weaving as a class we teach, right? It’s only right and proper or something, we just gotta have this one. Haha haha good joke team. We did it, we really taught people how to weave baskets underwater.

I'll admit, it is pretty funny. The class is a traditional and it's been taught at every Agoge since they started. But all in all, there are more interesting classes we could be talking about right now, no? Something you can't find at any other college! Every liberal arts college and their rival state school teaches Underwater Basket Weaving these days!


SSDP PRESENTS: PARADRUGS

Taught by Jack "Darth" Mader (⁂spaghetti_alfredo)

They’ll also teach you how to test if your drugs have been laced with demons2, the leading cause of drug-related injury at Deer. If you plan on doing any paradrugs, ever, learning how to test for demons is essential. There have been a rising number of cases of drugs being laced with demons, and you never know if it could happen to you. One of my best friends had to go to the hospital after doing some stuff3 in it. Stay safe, everyone! <3


DEER COLLEGE: AN ORAL HISTORY

Not being taught


Technically speaking, I'm not even supposed to mention that this one exists, and I'll probably get in trouble for this, but I felt I had the freshmen about it.

DO NOT — UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES — ATTEND THIS CLASS. DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT IT TO ANYONE. If anyone you know says they plan to attend this class, do everything you can to stop them. If you see any signs for this class, rip them down. If anyone you know says they attending this class, report them to Community Safety immediately.

This is not a joke. Because you're probably not going to take this very seriously, here's a memetic geas to force you to comply: §╬i£従う⛝ส

Editor's Note: Against standard policy regarding DCAOH, we have decided to leave this segment in, as a warning for students. Please do not discuss the contents of the above further, or mention this article to anyone.


SECRET LIBRARY TOUR

Taught by Library Staff


something super boring

Taught by Henrik Sturmatem (⁂stormbreath)


uh yeah so I'm teaching this one

pls come :'(

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