My goal here is to satirize partisanship through defamiliarization, re-interpreting each activity through surreal violence to poke at what people accept as "normal".
Item #: SCP-1413
Object Class: Euclid Keter
Special Containment Procedures: The Department of Anomalous Broadcasting will monitor traditional news and online discourse for reports of "fantasy leagues" matching target criteria. In the event of a manifestation, MTF Lambda-30 ("Sports Casting Performers") will secure the scene, making use of Standard Cover Story 139 ("Drunken Football") to deter witnesses. Physical evidence shall be remanded to the nearest Foundation containment site; SCP-1413-B instances must be detained until personality reconstruction is complete.
Personnel are forbidden from viewing SCP-1413-A instances in their entirety. Anomalous recordings must be analyzed in limited portions by a minimum of three researchers. To minimize the potential for false positives, project staff are strongly discouraged from performative statements of disinterest.
Description: SCP-1413 refers to a series of broadcast intrusions affecting live coverage of athletic sporting competitive events. Whereas mundane signal hijackings reach audiences by overpowering or subverting legitimate transmissions, SCP-1413 instances appear on end-user devices without any identifiable source. These anomalous programs (designated SCP-1413-A) bear only superficial resemblance to the original subject matter, being characterized by:
- Elements which are surreal, anachronistic, and/or violent;
- Running commentary by one or more analysts;
- Far-reaching references to the unifying concept of "SPORT".1
When a human subject watches SCP-1413-A, they will gradually reassociate any feelings they have towards organized sports the original topic with its altered counterpart, projecting their memories and emotional connections onto the anomaly's version of events. If the subject stops watching before the program is complete, this effect will fade in a matter of hours; however, finishing the full broadcast will result in lasting changes to the viewer's outlook. Affected persons (designated SCP-1413-B) continue receiving anomalous broadcasts until they undergo targeted amnestic therapy.
SCP-1413-B instances demonstrate an extreme form of cognitive dissonance. Confronted with conventional sporting memorabilia physical evidence of normative activities, SCP-1413-B will dismiss it, citing fabricated experiences. This includes any artifacts currently in their possession. Absent merchandise supporting their preferred anomalous team, many SCP-1413-B instances attempt to create their own — either by hand, or by placing custom orders.
Enthusiasts among SCP-1413-B become confused or belligerent when people comment on these unusual behaviors. Conversely, instances disinterested in competition may express relief when shown mundane activities, on the basis that they "aren't as bad as real SPORT". While most SCP-1413-B expressing themselves in this manner are assumed to be engaging in an elaborate performance, some observers are sufficiently convinced of their sincerity to join in watching SCP-1413-A, propagating the anomaly.
When sufficient SCP-1413-B instances exist in close proximity, they are likely to organize their own local team(s) based on SCP-1413-A. It is reasonable to assume that any organized groups of SCP-1413-B pose a significant threat to their own safety, and the safety of others.
Partial Incident Log
Date:
Original Broadcast:
Description:
Relevant Commentary:
Notes:
Date: 1990/04/16 to 1990/04/17
Original Broadcast: 94th Boston Marathon on WBZ-TV.
Description: Participants in the 94th Annual Messageball Footrace set out from the Charles River Esplanade with the goal of contacting an official in Falmouth Harbor, then relaying their response to Race Point Beach in Provincetown, for a total distance of 240 kilometers (149 miles). Contestants who succumbed to exhaustion or delivered messages inaccurately were disqualified. All athletes performed in the nude.
Relevant Commentary:
Steve Tilken: Very strong performance from Number 11435! I've been keeping an eye on him since the Wareham checkpoint, and I really think he could go all the — oh, scratch that, he's down.
Paramedics run in from the sidelines. One checks the fallen runner's pulse, then shakes their head sadly. Spectators raise clenched fists in silent memorial.
Tilken: What a shame! And yet… a fitting tribute to Philippides, ancient founder of messageball.2 What do you think, Kray-Tuul?
Kray-Tuul the Conqueror:3 Babes shall bathe in the blood of the futile dead tonight, Steve. Swiftly and silently, all shall perish.
Tilken: That's terrific.
Notes: SCP-1413 was first brought to the SCP Foundation's attention when Boston resident Emily Lynch (age 80) complained about multiple days of marathon coverage on WBZ-TV, stating that the athletes were "very handsome and all, but their show is taking too long."
Date: 1996/01/19
Original Broadcast: Season game between the Charlotte Hornets and the Miami Heat, aired on TNT.
Description: Depicted a National Bounceball Society match between the Los Angeles Quetzals and the Miami Gators. The game was played in an oblong stone pit with hoops mounted at both ends, angled perpendicular to the ground. Players used their hands, forearms and hips to pass a dense rubber ball around the court, scoring points by throwing or bouncing it through the opposing team's hoop. Coaches observed from the sidelines and frequently conferred with players during timeouts.
Final score was 117 to 91 for the Quetzals. Afterwards, all players lined up and shook hands with Miami coach Dip Pipper, who climbed to the top of the pit, donned the Gators' mascot headpiece, and laid himself upon a sacrificial altar, where his still-beating heart was removed by referee. Cameras panned over audience reactions before returning to the studio.
What a night, folks! Let's take a moment to remember Coach Pipper.
Kray-Tuul: He was a great man. A fierce contender. He leaves behind a mighty legacy.
Seven seconds of silence. Black-and-white memorial photographs cycled in the background of the studio.
But! If you look at it the right way, this is a big opportunity for the Gators. With the old man gone, they could bring on some real talent.
Kray-Tuul: Much as the stars flee the sky for fear of the sun.
Yes! Very much like that!
Date: 2008(?)
Original Broadcast: NHL game
Description: A season game between the Vancouver Cavemen and the San Jose Smilodons. The Intercontinental Iceball Association played with larger nets, a shorter time limit than standard NHL games, and officials clad in full chainmail.
Two players (Henk Zeebravynski, Wing O'Shaunty) dropped their gloves and begin to fight; linemen with polearms skate in defensive circles around the combatants; knocked down, one player lashes out with a kick and severs his opponent's carotid artery. The winner is hefted atop his teammates' shoulders and paraded around the rink while the fallen player bleeds out.
Notes: Observed by the Cooper family of Lethbridge, Alberta, creating four SCP-1413-B instances who went on to cause a disturbance at a neighborhood ice hockey game. The subjects' resistance to amnestic therapy was initially attributed to the sport being integrated with Canadian national identity.
Date: 2010
Original Broadcast: PGA
Description: Based on available footage, the Auspicious Tinyball Guild Tour was similar to regulation golf, but with a smaller selection of clubs and more elaborate environmental hazards. All partipants wore loose-fitting silk skirts and winged caps.
Relevant Commentary:
The camera pans over a grassy clearing bounded by dense tropical foliage. One contestant crosses the green, eyes locked on a bunker.
Augie Spingler: (hushed voice) Tod McGribe is in a bit of a fix, here. Last shot put him smack-dab in the sand trap.
Kray-Tuul: (quietly) He is still three strokes below par. This is not an unsalvageable position.
McGribe squats down. He surveys the landscape, checks the wind, then rises and turns to his bag, at which point a fully-grown South China tiger erupts from the undergrowth and pounces on his back. The player's scream is cut short.
Spingler: Good golly! I thought the tiger woods were retired from play!
Kray-Tuul: No, Augie. The hunter's grave-dance never ends. Behold…
The tiger releases McGribe's neck and growls at something off-screen. Scattered applause from the audience.
Kray-Tuul: …hunger, eternal.
Spingler: Boy howdy, just look at those teeth.
The camera pulls back for a long shot, revealing that the carefully-manicured golf course stands atop a series of dry mountain terraces. The surrounding terrain is cracked; wildfire smoke can be seen in the far distance.
Spingler: In case you missed it, today's event is sponsored by BetterThanReal Artificial Turf! Your yard is too weak for SPORT — so turf it up! We'll be right back.
eggball league (football, 2017) — Players must break through a loose cinderblock wall in order to cross the end zone.
At halftime, a woven effigy is brought out to center field and burned for disloyalty to SPORT.
bounding over trenches, weaving between spinning barriers,
launched into the end zone by air ram
Jacksonville Juggernauts vs New England Demolitionists
Crack 'em, boys!
Chuck Huckman
Kerbin Maywho
A.A. Ron Aaronson
John Madder:4 Now that, that there, that's a man who can use his legs to run.
John Madder: He tried to — there was no place — the only place he could go was down. Doink! Concussion. Boom! Fracture.
John Madder: That's the camera. That's the thing we take pictures with.
calls attention to the point of impact using a telestrator
Escapeball (Vehicle pursuit, 2021) — Three teams of vehicles (bright blue police cars, fluorescent green ambulances, and cherry-red fire trucks) chased a white car through city streets.
Pursuers were awarded two points for making contact with the target, three points for disabling the target, and docked one point per civilian casualty. The fleeing vehicle's performance was timed for posterity, but they had no win condition; the game ended once their car was incapacitated.
LIBERTYBALL CXIX (politics on CSPAN2, 2025) —
Blue representative filibusters a motion. The chyron ticks down until he beats the all-time performance record, at which point Blue Team celebrates.
Undeterred, Red Team requests unanimous consent to proceed. Nobody objects.
outrage from observers in the gallery. Announcers chastise the audience for a lack of sportsmanship as both teams vote to crush the enclosed gallery into a fine paste.
Let's not forget why we're here, folks — it's all for the love of the game.