https://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/348178
- rounderhouse
- mortos
- laneous
- TheBlueHour
9:47 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> mhm
9:48 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> i like the mass of yours, but like you said, it feels awkward and disjointed
9:48 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> like you were trying to connect these elements together but just sort of… didn't.
9:48 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> like the anomaly in the paper mill that results in 48 dudes being stuck together
9:48 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> that's cool
9:48 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> interesting anomaly
9:49 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> and it feels divorced from the rest of the article, which seems to be about a miniature nation state advancing technology
9:49 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> "nation state" but you know what i mean
9:50 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> i fail to see the connection between those two elements
9:51 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> the connection between the bulleted list of "nation statish qualities" and them producing increasingly advanced weaponry is tenuous but its there, so i can forgive that
9:51 PM — &MaliceAF nodnod
9:52 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> so, yeah. lotta cool elements but feel separated and loose.
9:52 PM <&MaliceAF> I was worried about this. I guess the vibe I was going for was "fight for this paper thing's amusement", and the CI aspect… I'm not sure where that came from. I think I wanted it to have more depth, and the CI getting screwed over like this was funny to me? The escalation was mainly because I needed a note to end it on…
9:52 PM <&MaliceAF> I can definitely see what you mean
9:53 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> mhm
9:53 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> yeah, it'd be a novote from me too, unless you tie them all together in some way.
9:54 PM <&MaliceAF> fair enough. If it came down to ditching the CI bit or ditching the fighting bit, which would you say would work better?
9:54 PM <&MaliceAF> or the escalation, or whatever
9:55 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> MaliceAF: ci bit
9:57 PM <&MaliceAF> ROUNDERHOUSE: ditch the CI bit?
9:57 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> yeah
9:57 PM <&MaliceAF> *sigh*
9:57 PM <&MaliceAF> time to kill my darlings, I guess
9:57 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> f
9:58 PM <&MaliceAF> I'll come up with a way to use amalgamated CI operatives some other time
9:58 PM <&MaliceAF> that's definitely a concept that can be used again, methinks
10:02 PM <&MaliceAF> ROUNDERHOUSE: would the bulleted list feel more coherent if I had the affected people be explicitly divided into two opposing teams?
10:02 PM <&MaliceAF> i.e. remove the list, replace it with that
10:02 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> mmmm
10:02 PM <@ROUNDERHOUSE> maybe? i'm unsure
10:07 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: "persons, Foundation staff or otherwise," dont think thye foundation or otherwise bit is required here
10:19 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: so I feel like this paragraph, "The source of its formation is unknown" should be at the end of the description
10:19 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: just as a universal rule, "HOW WE GOT THIS" should be last
10:20 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: "Heightened tolerance towards SCP-XXXX's presence." this line is odd because nothing has been mentioned about being UNABLE to tolerate its presence before this
10:20 PM <&MaliceAF> I meant more in the sense that it's a gigantic looming amalgamation of people, and you'd naturally be apprehensive around it
10:21 PM <Mortos> ah, hm
10:21 PM <Mortos> yeah ok
10:21 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: ok so I have thoughts but give me a few mins to finish eating so i dont have to keep pausing and reaching over my keyboard, heh
10:21 PM <&MaliceAF> Mortos: 's all good :)
10:27 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: ok so you have something that can work here with a few small tweaks
10:27 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: I'd drop teh chaos insurgency angle, just completely get rid of it
10:27 PM <Mortos> remove the "how it was made bit" and be done with it
10:27 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: just have them all be people who worked at the paper mill
10:28 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: you need a bigger hook between the paper monster and the social aspect I think
10:28 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: like maybe the paper mill is actually a paper mill slash book printers, and the books they print are like
10:29 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: I dunno, the communist manifesto or shit on conversatism or whatever, political stuff, social studies stuff
10:29 PM <Mortos> something like that
10:29 PM — &MaliceAF strokes chin
10:29 PM <&MaliceAF> sorta… 3317 meets 3663
10:30 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: I think you should play up teh weapon angle a little bit more before the table too, like, make footnote 3 part of the main body
10:30 PM — &MaliceAF nodnod
10:30 PM <Mortos> "weapons made of blah blah, while not able to inflict severe wounds can cause paper cuts" or whatever
10:31 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: last thought is more just a taste thing, but like, the guns that are getting made by this dont use gunpowder right?
10:32 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: they propel the thigns through other means. so, if they got to the "nukes" level of advancement they wouldnt actually have fissile material for a nuke
10:32 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: so what would a paper form nuke *be*?
10:32 PM taylor_work → ~taylor_iOStkin
10:32 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: might just be an interesting angle to point out
10:33 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: oh, also it says the people that make up this thing are still conscious and whathaveyou - can they talk? are they screaming? whats going on with them while this blob us walking around as them/with them?
10:34 PM <Mortos> MaliceAF: aaaaaaaaand I think thats all my thoughts
