CAUSE: Hostile incursion from external source
FILE CREATED: 09/01/2019

  • TYPE-Standard-
  • TYPE-Visual-02.04
  • TYPE-Specific-GSCPFBO.1

Item #: Black Moon Gateau. Serves one (1) unfeeling shadow organisation.

Object Class: Delicious

Special Containment Procedures:

  • 6 medium eggs
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 20,000 metric tonnes of concrete and rebar
  • 100g plain flour
  • 250g human nature (1 part ethics, 3 parts callous greed)
  • 3 tsp food colouring
  • Traces of Krylon-brand spray-paint
  • 150g granulated sugar
  • 2½ tsp ground cinnamon
  • Absurd quantities of self-raising flour
  • """Research"""
  • 100g slightly salted butter
  • Two-dozen black cherries, fresh or tinned
  • 2 heaped tbsp cornflour
  • 175g caster sugar
  • Corpses to taste


  1. Preheat the oven to 180°C, 160°C fan assisted. Lightly oil the globe you will be cooking on; your greasy, sleazy, underhand manner will work wonders in this situation. Line it with non-stick paper and put it to one side.
  2. Break the eggs and hearts of your loved ones into a large bowl, add the sugar, and whisk. Pour in the sifted flour and animosity, and stir until the mixture becomes homogeneous and dull. Place in the oven for 190 minutes, or until black and charred.
  3. For the toppings, begin melting the chocolate on the stove. Be careful not to let it overheat, as this may cause your cold, dead hearts to start thawing (if this happens, not only will your dish be ruined, but we'll have won). Add concrete until the mixture begins to harden and lose all pleasant texture or nuance. Set aside and laugh.
  4. Remove the mess from the oven of your own devising. Pretend this is what you wanted. Pretend it's what we all wanted. Pretend it's for our own good, or for the greater good, or some other tired cliche. Apply liberal quantities of icing.
  5. Having masked your mistakes, twist the base past breaking point and pour on the concrete. Try to achieve an even spread, using a knife if necessary (or if not).
  6. Store at room temperature deep underground from now until the end of the world, allowing ample time for all hope to run dry and the last heat to dissipate. Once you've failed, as we all do, remove the dish from the tray and carefully transfer it to a plate.
  7. Garnish with chocolate, cherries, ash, and tears.
  8. Set the cake aside and allow it to cool.
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