mr safe

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misterclay.png

A sample of SCP-XXXX-1 in its dried state.

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX and SCP-XXXX-1 are to be kept in a high-security anomalous object locker. No further experiments involving the object are to take place without the approval of both Director Diaghilev and Doctor Everwood. Access to SCP-XXXX is limited to personnel with Level-4 and above clearance.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a document outlining the steps necessary for the creation of twenty homunculi. A digital replication is available for viewing below.

SCP-XXXX-1 is a light-colored clay used in the creation of humanoid homunculi originally created by Dr. Wondertainment. The object's anomalous properties are not activated unless a specific ritual involving the use of various aethers is performed.

Document XXXX-A The following is a digital replication of SCP-XXXX, with various steps and information redacted to prevent the replication of SCP-XXXX-1.

PRODUCT FORMULA ARCHIVE


This is a bit of a bizarre experiment, but I think we've finally managed to get it to work, and we hope this will be the start of a wonderful idea. I sincerely hope you can enjoy your own experiments in this same line whenever you feel comfortable doing so.

MIXTURE INGREDIENTS

  1. One hair of a unicorn
  2. A miner's inch of morning dew
  3. ██████████████
  4. A whiff of whimsy
  5. A spark of thought
  6. An acorn from the woods without words
  7. One hundred pounds of clay powder
  8. ██████████████████████
  9. One young somatic essence
  10. A breath of Air Aether to give life
  11. A splash of Water Aether to give shape
  12. A billow of Fire Aether to hold form
  13. A name, because no being should be without a name

This amount will yield enough base for 20 units.

First, assemble the ingredients in a █████ bowl. Mix the solution with Water Aether, then breathe in the Air Aether once shaped. Next, blast it with Fire Aether to ensure it holds shape for about an hour and give them 15 minutes to cool off. When sufficiently cooled, Air Aether must be applied to finish it off. Once done with Aethers, simply give your newfound friend a name and they shall spring to life!

Remember, only make one at a time. The base does not go bad, so take as long as you like to think on who and what you want to make. A life is a life, no matter whose it is.

- Cornelius


DEPARTMENT OF MISTEREERING INTERNAL ARCHIVAL USE ONLY

Addendum XXXX.01: Project lead Dr. Everwood, with the approval of the Crosstest Committee, proposed a joint effort between the Alchemy Department and the GoI-386 Research Department to better understand SCP-XXXX via the execution of its instructions in creating a homunculus (prospectively SCP-XXXX-2). Director Diaghilev agreed to a meeting for the purpose of exploring the potential project.

<BEGIN LOG>

[Diaghilev enters the conference room. Everwood stands to meet him.]

Everwood: Director.

Diaghilev: Doctor.

[The two shake hands, then sit at the table.]

Everwood: Shall we get right to it?

Diaghilev: Of course. You know, I've given your proposal a bit of thought, Doctor. Even did a bit of research into what a Little Mister is.

Everwood: Oh? What do you think?

Diaghilev: Of all the uses one could have for a homunculus, anomalous children's entertainment is not one that I envisioned. This Wondertainment person must be quite the specialist in their field if the Foundation has taken an interest in children's music.

Everwood: There's more to it than that. There are all sorts of anomalous toys and other such things that Wondertainment makes. Plus they have a pocket dimension city called Wonder World tee-ehm.

Diaghilev: Wonder World tee-ehm? Why did I just say 'tee-ehm' after saying 'Wonder World' tee-ehm. Oh. Davai.

Everwood: We don't know for sure yet, but we believe it may have to do with some sort of anomalous trademark.

Diaghilev: I see. Well, back to the matter at hand, I don't know if you're aware, but homunculi are not easy to create and require a very specific set of–

Everwood: Instructions? Yes, I know. And I have them right here. [Everwood reaches into their bag and produces a manilla folder. They then slide it along the table to Diaghilev.]

Diaghilev: … I see you came prepared.

[Diaghilev opens the folder and reads through Document XXXX-A. He scoffs.]

Everwood: That doesn't sound good.

Diaghilev: What kind of blithering idiot wrote these instructions? They completely misnamed the Aethers! And these ingredients. A whiff of whimsy? A miner's inch of morning dew? These aren't real measurements, much less real ingredients.

Everwood: Except they are real ingredients. One moment.

[Everwood reaches into their bag again and produces a second manilla folder, which they slide across the table to Diaghilev. Diaghilev opens the folder with a sigh and reads the contents of the document.]

Diaghilev: So apparently a whiff of whimsy is the delight of a child, and the morning dew is actually morning dew. How… creative. Where would we even get a child?

Everwood: We have Researcher James in my department.

Diaghilev: I… what? You have a child in your department?

Everwood: He's six years old.

Diaghilev: Fine. I'm willing to accept that you have a child in your department that researches an anomalous children's band and the company that manipulates them. But how do you know all of this is accurate?

Everwood: Remember Wonder World tee-ehm?

Diaghilev: How could I forget?

Everwood: We offer amnesty programs for citizens who want to leave Wonder World tee-ehm and enter the non-anomalous world. In exchange for information on their employer, we set them up with everything necessary to survive on the outside. We had a recent Wonder University flunky approach our department with knowledge on how to make the Misters, which were discontinued in the early 90's.

Diaghilev: Wonder… University.

Everwood: It's like a normal university except it teaches the history of the Wondertainment brand and its lines of products, economi–

Diaghilev: I understand now, Doctor. Thank you.

[Diaghilev sighs. There is a five-second silence.]

Everwood: So…?

Diaghilev: This all seems quite ridiculous, Doctor.

Everwood: Doctor Wondertainment as a whole is a bit ridiculous but I don't let that take away from my enjoyment of learning more about it.

Diaghilev: And you understand that alchemy is not magic, correct? It's also not a toy to be waved around. It's a force to be respected. A single errant aether could kill you in an instant.

Everwood: Believe me, I understand. I pored over your research before contacting you. But you're the only one that can help me, Director.

Diaghilev: I am not certain you fully grasp how momentous the creation of a homunculus is. It is not something that any Alchemist simply just creates.

Everwood: Then wouldn't you want to be known as the Alchemist who created one?

[There is a brief silence.]

Diaghilev: Even if I were to agree, I feel as if this agreement is a bit stacked in your favor. What do I get out of this deal?

Everwood: Aside from the recognition of being the Alchemist who created a homunculus for the Foundation? I don't know. What would you want?

Diaghilev: I want equal research rights to the homunculus. I've never had the chance to study one up close and this would be an excellent opportunity for me and my research.

Everwood: Deal.

Diaghilev: Very well. You will have your homunculus, Doctor.

Everwood: Thank you. Sincerely. I can't wait to see what we learn.

<END LOG>

Addendum XXXX.02: Following the meeting between Doctor Everwood and Director Diaghilev, efforts to obtain the necessary components to create SCP-XXXX were undertaken by the Procurement and Liquidation Department. After the acquisition of all necessary components, a meeting between both parties was organized to discuss the fine details of the project. The meeting took place in Doctor Everwood's office in Site-55's Wondertainment Research Wing.

<BEGIN LOG>

[Diaghilev enters the office. Everwood and Rex both stand to greet him. James continues to play with a toy truck in the corner of the room.]

Everwood: Hello and welcome to my humble little corner of Site-55. This is Researcher Rex, my second in command.

Rex: Hello, Director Diaghilev.

Diaghilev: Greetings.

[The two shake hands.]

Everwood: And that over there is Researcher James. James, come say hi to Director Diaghilev.

[James looks up from his truck and waves to Diaghilev. Diaghilev approaches him and kneels.]

Diaghilev: Hello, young man. It's nice to meet you.

James: You're old.

[Rex chokes back laughter. Diaghilev frowns and stands up.]

Everwood: James, that's very rude. You shouldn't say that to people. I'm sorry, Director Diaghilev.

Diaghilev: How do you get anything done with a child in the office?

[The group sits down.]

Rex: He has his days. Plus, it's useful to have a child on staff when most of the anomalies you deal with only work with children.

Everwood: Basically. So I heard from Helen that you finally got everything together for SCP-XXXX, and all we need to do now is put it together. How exciting!

Diaghilev: That is correct. Well, mostly correct. There is still one thing we haven't discussed.

Everwood: Oh?

Diaghilev: I've been doing my own research on these Little Misters of yours. They all apparently have names that designate their anomalous property. Is that not right?

Everwood: That's right.

Diaghilev: Well, one of the necessary ingredients is a name.

Everwood: That's correct. I can't believe I overlooked that.

Rex: Don't feel bad. You've been on cloud nine ever since you found out that the SCP-XXXX project was good to go.

Everwood: Still, I am one of the project directors. I shouldn't have been so careless as to let this happen.

Diaghilev: Fret not, Doctor. I have a suitable name for the resulting homunculus.

Everwood: Do tell.

Diaghilev: Mister Diaghilev.

[James slams his truck against the ground and mimics an explosion.]

Rex: Eh… I dunno about that.

Diaghilev: Oh come on now. It's perfect.

Everwood: If the name dictates its anomalous properties, don't you think it's a little dangerous to give a homunculus the ability to perform Alchemy?

Diaghilev: Exactly! That's why it's perfect. It will help me with my work as I study it.

Everwood: What if it doesn't want to help you and it instead uses its alchemic prowess to breach containment?

Rex: Might as well call it Mister Rex.

Everwood: As useful as you are, I don't want two of you around.

Rex: I resent that.

Everwood: Okay, new rule; no naming the homunculus after ourselves. Not only is it egotistical, but it's also sure to create some unforeseen problems for us down the line.

[Diaghilev folds his arms and rolls his eyes.]

Diaghilev: Very well. Then what do you propose?

Everwood: I was thinking something along the lines of 'Mister Wondertainment'.

[James rolls his truck along the ground and makes 'vroom' noises as it moves.]

Rex: That sounds good. That way it could help us with our research.

Diaghilev: I disagree. What if the homunculus picks up the properties of Doctor Wondertainment and breaches containment using its thaumaturgical properties?

Everwood: Hmm. The way I imagined it, it was more along the lines of the concept of the knowledge of Doctor Wondertainment, but I suppose we can't afford to leave that up to interpretation. We need something simple.

Diaghilev: Not to mention that for all we know, this Doctor Wondertainment is also an Alchemist. They did make this homunculus, after all.

Everwood: That's a good point, Director. Any ideas, Rex?

Rex: I'm not really an idea guy.

Everwood: Why did I even invite you to this meeting then?

Diaghilev: For what it's worth, I agree with the idea that we need something simple.

[James puts down his truck and approaches the group.]

Everwood: Not now, James. We're a little busy.

James: Why not call him Mister Safe?

Rex: Safe?

James: Like Safe, Yoo… Yoo… Yooklid, and Keter.

[The group looks at each other.]

Everwood: I… I think that could work.

Diaghilev: This kid is smart. You have a bright future ahead of you, young man.

Rex: How is it that James of all people had an idea before I did?

Everwood: So are we settled on Mister Safe?

Diaghilev: It sounds agreeable to me.

Rex: Seriously, am I just stupid?

Diaghilev: Of course not.

Everwood: Maybe.

James: Yes.

<END LOG>

Addendum XXXX.03: On 20/05/2022, the ritual to create the homunculus outlined by SCP-XXXX was carried out by Director Diaghilev in Site-55's Experiment Chamber 22-Alpha. Present alongside Diaghilev was Doctor Everwood, Junior Alchemist Arturo Genuomo, and Researcher James. The following is a log of recorded interaction while attempting to create SCP-XXXX.

<BEGIN LOG>

[Diaghilev and Genuomo stand in front of a table containing the requisite materials placed near the center of the testing chamber. They are shoveling clay from a container onto the ground. Everwood sits behind the blast doors with James. Everwood is writing in their notebook and James is playing on his Nintendo Switch.]

Diaghilev: I can't remember the last time I had to do physical labor. My back hurts.

Genuomo: It's not so bad, Director. Soon we will be done and we will have created our very own homunculus!

Everwood: Sorry I can't help. Arm. [Everwood points to their stump arm.]

Diaghilev: Worry not, Doctor. We are almost done anyway.

[The two continue shoveling for two minutes, at which point Diaghilev stops and approaches the other materials.]

Genuomo: Alright. That should be the last of it.

Diaghilev: Thank goodness. And now for the easy part.

[Diaghilev turns to the table and begins dumping the pre-measured ingredients onto the clay.]

Diaghilev: And that was the last of the morning dew. Now, all we need is the whiff of whimsy. James, if you would be so kind?

[James looks up from his Switch and stands. He turns to face Everwood.]

Everwood: Go on, buddy. We need you in order for this to work.

[James exits the observation room and enters the testing chamber. ]

[There is a ten-second silence.]

Diaghilev: Well then. Do your thing, Mister James.

James: What am I supposed to do?

Genuomo: Be amazed, I suppose.

James: I don't get it.

Everwood: You're gonna have to do something to wow him, I think.

Genuomo: I got this. My little cousins loved this back when I used to live at home.

[Genuomo approaches James and performs a finger trick, appearing to have removed his finger.]

Genuomo: Eh? Eh?

Diaghilev: What on earth are you doing, Arturo?

Everwood: You're going to have to try harder than that. He's used to playing with Wondertainment toys so you're really going to have to knock his socks off.

Diaghilev: How are we meant to compete with a person whose entire purpose is to make children's toys? We're kind of out of our depth here.

Everwood: I could go get something from the lab and see if it inspires some awe in him.

Genuomo: I have an idea. You could demonstrate your alchemic prowess for him, Director. That's sure to wow anyone.

Diaghilev: No. Alchemy is not a toy.

James: What is alchemy?

Diaghilev: It is the weaving of the Aethers which bind reality together. To mess with alchemy is to mess with life itself.

James: I want to see mister old man do alchemy.

Everwood: His name is Director Diaghilev, James.

James: Director Di… Die… Dieolov. I want to see Director Dieolov do alchemy.

Genuomo: Well, he is going to see you perform it anyway once we get him to produce the whimsy. So I figure why not give him a taste of it?

[Diaghilev sighs and palms his face.]

Diaghilev: I… fine. Very well. But only once. And if that doesn't work, Doctor Everwood will go up to their lab and find a toy for him to play with.

Everwood: Deal.

Diaghilev: Stand clear. Also, Arturo, move the table while you're at it.

[James moves back towards the observation room. Genuomo shuffles the table formerly holding the ingredients for SCP-XXXX-1 out of the way and places it against the corner of the testing chamber.]

Diaghilev: Now pay attention, James, because I am only going to do this once.

[Diaghilev closes his eyes and moves his arms in a circular motion, then extends his right hand forward. He forms a fist.]

Diaghilev: Ignis!

[A plume of flame extends from Diaghilev's fist. It winds around his arm and shoulders, then extends to the other arm before extinguishing itself against the ground.]

[James begins clapping excitedly.]

James: Whoa! Cool!

[A purple wisp manifests overhead James. It quickly moves through the glass window of the observation room and into the testing chamber before suddenly swerving down towards the pile of materials in the middle of the chamber. The pile begins glowing with a similar purple aura.]

Everwood: I think it worked! Quick, Director Diaghilev!

[Diaghilev turns to face the mixture and proceeds to douse it with Aqueous Aether. The mixture begins to coagulate into SCP-XXXX-1.]

Genuomo: My turn!

[Genuomo heats SCP-XXXX-1 with Igneous Aether, causing it to become semi-solid.]

Diaghilev: What's next, Doctor?

Everwood: We need to let it cool so we can shape it.

Genuomo: How long?

Everwood: An hour.

James: Alchemy is so cool! I want to be an alchemist when I grow up.

Diaghilev: If only it were that easy, my child.

Everwood: So we have an hour to kill. Is anyone down for a game of cards?

Diaghilev: What's your poison?

James: 52-pick-up!

Everwood: No.

James: Go Fish?

Everwood: Poker. No offense James, but I'm tired of playing 52-pick-up and Go Fish with you.

James: Aw…

[Diaghilev and Genuomo approach the observation room. SCP-XXXX-1 glows in the background.]

Genuomo: Count me in.

Diaghilev: Me too.

James: Can I play?

Everwood: Eh, sure. We'll teach you.


[One hour of extraneous video feed expunged.]


[James shows his cards to Everwood. They nod and whisper in his ear.]

James: Full house!

Everwood: Two pair.

Genuomo: Ace high.

Diaghilev: One pair. How is it that I lost to a child who has only now just learned how to play this game?

Everwood: Heh.

[Genuomo's phone alarm begins to ring. He pulls it out of his pocket and turns it off.]

Genuomo: I think it's been an hour.

Everwood: Alright, it's about time I got down to shaping it then.

[Everwood rises from their chair and enters the testing chamber. They take off their labcoat and toss it towards the table in the corner.]

Diaghilev: Whoa, wait a minute there, Doctor. You're not just going to touch it without some sort of protection, are you?

Everwood: This is a Doctor Wondertainment product. The company wouldn't hurt anyone, do you have any idea how bad that would be for business?

Diaghilev: If you are so confident, then by all means go ahead.

[Everwood approaches SCP-XXXX-1 and begins molding it with their hand.]

Everwood: You know, I took a pottery class back when I still had my other arm and I gotta say, molding this is much easier than molding normal clay. It's like it knows what I want to do with it.

James: Can I try?

Everwood: No, James. Stay over there.

James: Aww…

Diaghilev: So what are you trying to shape it into, Doctor?

Everwood: The most average person one could imagine.

[SCP-XXXX-1's purple glow extends to Everwood for the duration of the molding process. They continue to mold SCP-XXXX-1 until it assumes a vaguely humanoid shape. Everwood steps away from SCP-XXXX-1 and the purple glow fades from them. Notably, they are not dirtied from sculpting SCP-XXXX-1 and their clothes remain in the same condition as they were prior to engaging with it.]

Everwood: That's about as good as I'm gonna get it. Gotta say I'm impressed with myself.

Diaghilev: So now I assume it is our turn to breathe life into it.

Genuomo: I'm ready if you are, Elder.

Everwood: Let me get out of here first if you don't mind.

[Everwood moves away from SCP-XXXX-1 and enters the observation room with James in tow after grabbing their lab coat.]

James: Why won't you let me have fun? Meanie.

Everwood: It sounds like someone doesn't want to play video games when this is all over.

James: No! I want to play video games! Please!

Everwood: Don't worry James, it was just a joke. You can still play video games when we're done with SCP-XXXX. Just behave, okay?

James: I promise.

Diaghilev: Ready, Arturo?

Genuomo: Ready, Elder.

[Genuomo and Diaghilev both take a deep breath and blast SCP-XXXX-1 with Air Aether. SCP-XXXX-1 begins stirring.]

Unknown: What is my name?

Everwood: Your name is Mister Safe!

[There is a blinding flash of light. Video recording cuts. Diaghilev, Genuomo, Everwood, and James exclaim in surprise.]

[There is a ten-second silence.]

Unknown: Uh… Why is everyone staring at me?

<END LOG>







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