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GAW General Chatroom
gaycopmp4: I don't think you can really argue that?
gaycopmp4: Blahaj is ABSOLUTELY a queer icon
skinario: but its a shark. how can a shark be gay?
lesbian_gengar: every shark is totally gay, trust me
bluntfiend has joined GAW General Chatroom!
kkrule: Oh shit! A wild Jude appeared!
bluntfiend: Hey, everybody.
bones: Hello Jude; how are you feeling today?
bluntfiend: Heh.
bluntfiend: Yeah, about that.
bluntfiend: I've got a kind of big announcement?
jockjamsvol6: You're gay I knew it
lesbian_gengar: you're converting to judaism? l'chaim, it's about time.
juliachildenthusiast: You still there Jude?
bluntfiend: I needed to let all of you know, I have been thinking a lot recently about life, GAW and what it all means to me. I don't have all of the answers yet, but, I think I might have a plan. And if everything works out the way I think it will, then it will ensure that GAW can stay alive for as long as we're needed. But. As a part of that, I'm going to be going away. This isn't goodbye yet, but… yeah. I just didn't want to ghost everybody.
steakshift: jude
steakshift: have u thought about this at all
steakshift: this sounds p drastic
bluntfiend: I have.
bluntfiend: And I thought about it some more
bluntfiend: And realized that this was the only option.
bluntfiend: Please, don't try to stop me.
lesbian_gengar: it's not like jude is going to kill himself
lesbian_gengar: right?
hetcopogg: What are you going to do?
bluntfiend: I was actually going to try and ask you and gaycopmp4 about something. I have a project in mind. Something to tie up a loose end that's been bugging me.
hetcopogg: Jude, we're not going to help you have a kid. If that's what you're asking.
gaycopmp4: It's easier to just adopt. Trust us.
bluntfiend: I'll DM you two later.
acuterobot: ominous!!
acuterobot: owo;
lesbian_gengar: jude.
lesbian_gengar: i've known you for a long time, so i know that you're not going to stop your plan. you got it in your head, so now it has to be.
lesbian_gengar: are you sure about this? whatever this is?
bluntfiend: Yes.
lesbian_gengar: then let me know if there's anything i can do.
jockjamsvol6: I don't know what's going on, but same? I think?
bones: Your presence will be missed in here Jude. When will you be leaving us?
bluntfiend: I don't know yet. I'll still be around, just… no promises. Okay?
bluntfiend left. (Disconnected.)
gaycopmp4: Well. That wasn't weird.
polaricecraps has joined GAW General Chatroom!
polaricecraps: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP HOMOS
lesbian_gengar: jesus christ polar, read the upscroll.
To Do: Ask for Help
Private Room — bluntfiend, SilentHillGirl99
bluntfiend: Hey, Heather.
SilentHillGirl99: What's up, Jude? I heard you wanted to talk to my moms? What about?
bluntfiend: About the puzzle that you're a piece of.
SilentHillGirl99: Oh.
bluntfiend: Does it hurt?
SilentHillGirl99: Not really. Not in the way you're thinking.
bluntfiend: Should I be scared?
SilentHillGirl99: Fear is what keeps us human, isn't it?
bluntfiend: What do you mean?
SilentHillGirl99: Others fear people like us — we keep our bodies, our traces of humanity, we hold onto those pieces desperately because of what they mean. Not to us, but to others.
bluntfiend: I don't know if I'm ready.
SilentHillGirl99: Nobody is ever ready. All we can do is try our best. At least, that's what my moms tell me.
bluntfiend: What do you think?
SilentHillGirl99: I think that there is nobody else who could do it. Nobody else cares the way you do, Jude. Not in the same way.
To Do: Seriously. Ask for Help.
Jude knocked twice on the apartment door numbered '412'. Was this even the right one? He grumbled, fumbling through his pockets in search of his phone. A roach. A shitty BIC lighter. An empty Ziploc bag. Well, mostly empty. There were a scant few tiny nuggets of weed sparsely populating the bottom right corner. But finally, he pulled out his phone and ran through the last few messages he had gotten from Dahlia and Andressa.
"Shit."
He awkwardly walked one door down to 413 and knocked twice. Almost immediately, a tall woman with curly black hair and glasses answered. She looked him up and down and smiled.
"You made it." She reached forward, embracing him. Jude uncomfortably hugged her back before responding. The smell of food permeated his nostrils.
"Hey, Dahlia. Where's Andressa?"
"In here." A voice rang out from within the apartment. Dahlia motioned for Jude to enter, and shut the door behind him as he did.
"Come," Dahlia said, walking ahead into the apartment. Jude nodded and took off his coat, hanging it on the rack to his left. He then noticed a small collection of shoes and boots to the right of the door, and began taking off his shitty sneakers. The smell of food became more defined as he tugged at his shoelace; he was able to identify it as some sort of rosemary-heavy dish.
Finally down to his socks, he pondered taking off his scarf, but decided against it; it was too cold for that. He sighed and approached the open door in front of him, emerging into a tiny kitchen where Dahlia sat with Andressa, a short woman with pink highlights and thick-rimmed glasses.
"Uh. Hey." Jude waved.
"Come, have a seat. Soup's almost done." Andressa pointed him to a circular table with four seats in the corner of the kitchen.
"I don't want any, thank you."
"Nonsense, you're a guest in casa de Dahlia. Please, eat." She smiled, pushing him towards the table.
Jude grumbled but did not complain further as he took a seat. He looked around, twiddling his thumbs. "So uh. Where's Heather?"
"Heather is in her room. She told us you reached out to her, by the way." Andressa stirred the pot she was laboring over, then wiped sweat from her brow. "You've got all of us worried, Jude."
"She did?" He stared at the ground, focusing on a small brown stain on the linoleum tile. Idle hands are the devil's playthings, and Jude was nothing if not a vessel for the devil. His left hand reached idly to his chest, where he began fidgeting with his crucifix.
"Of course. We're her parents, she tells us everything." Dahlia reached into the cupboard, pulling out three bowls.
"I didn't tell my parents shit." Jude continued to stare at the stain. He was focusing so intently on it, he was starting to see things that weren't there. He could feel every crevice on his crucifix, every indent, every imperfection. He felt himself in it. He felt nothing.
"Well, we actually listen."
"Damn right." Andressa nodded.
"Mhm." Jude saw himself in the stain. Dirty, worthless, only memorable for how filthy he was. His knuckles whitened around his crucifix.
Silence.
"Jude." Dahlia spoke up. "Andy told me what you told her. Are… are you sure you want to do that?"
"Mhm." Nothing important. An ant amongst gods. He couldn't begin to comprehend how unimportant he and this stain were.
"Okay. But why do you want it to kill you?"
"Mhm." A spec of dust floating in the infinite cosmos. Nothing more. Nothing less.
"Jude."
"Mhm."
"Jude!" Dahlia snapped her fingers in his face. He jumped and sat back in his chair, blinking.
"Jude. Why do you have to die?" Andressa and Dahlia were both looking at him. He returned his gaze to the stain, avoiding eye contact.
"It's the only way," he mumbled.
"The only way for what?"
"The only way they won't twist me against you and everyone else."
"Who is they?" Dahlia probed.
"Jannies. Coalition. Feds. Any other three-letter agency out there that wants to keep people like us down. But the ironic twist is that I need their help."
Dahlia and Andressa exchanged confused looks. "Who is 'they?'" Andressa asked.
He sighed. "The Jannies."
"Oh hell no. You're not seriously thinking of going to them, are you?" Dahlia raised her voice slightly. "After what they did to Heather?"
"It's… it's the only way. Trust me. I already have an in with them. All I need is for you to do the ritual." His eyes slowly moved away from the Jude-shaped stain to meet the gaze of both women, who stared at him incredulously. His head was spinning so fast he swore it would come loose.
A heavy silence followed, accentuated by the muffled sound of Heather playing Animal Crossing in her room a few feet away.
"Jude, I…" Andressa stammered. "I know you have your mind set on it. Esther says that once you make up your mind, its impossible to change it. And I trust you. So… fine."
"Is there no other way? Are you sure, Jude?" Dahlia pleaded.
"I'm sure. I promise." He replied softly and shakily, like a lamb learning to walk.
"You really don't see any other way to do this? Why do you have to die?" Andressa spoke in hushed tones, as to keep Heather from hearing them.
"Because if I stay alive, what happens when I die? I'm not like Mr. D. I'm just a normal dude. But if I die, then they can't kill me and I can keep doing the good work."
"And how will you do that if you're dead?" Dahlia wasn't buying it, he could tell. Jude reached into his pocket and produced his cell phone, a shitty beater that was only still working because of his Stand.
"With this."
"And how will you text if you're dead?" Dahlia frowned.
"Remember Cole?"
Both women exchanged a look.
"Oh no. Hell no." Andressa stood up, cupping her hands over her face.
"I'm dead serious. Tell me what you need, and I will make it happen." Jude stood up, approaching Andressa.
"Aren't you worried about hell or whatever?" Dahlia shook her head. "You do realize this is one of the biggest sins, yeah? At least if what I know about Catholicism is true."
"Look at me. Do you think it matters at this point?"
"Fine. This is crazy, but fine," she mumbled.
For the first time in what felt like ages, Jude smiled. He reached out with his lanky arms to envelop them both as best he could in an awkward, uncomfortable hug.
"Dahlia, please find me my tattoo gun."
To Do: Find The Spark
"Bueno. Who is this?"
"Jude."
He was even more out of it than he usually was, but he knew there was a reason he called her.
"How do I find my fire again?" he asked, desperately hoping she didn't hang up on him.
"Why do you care? I thought you would never join the fight." Her tone was cold, but she hadn't hung up yet. He might still have a chance.
"I need it. Just like you had it, I need to find that spark, that fire within me. That… essence of me that can survive anything. Even death."
Jude held his breath. The silence was palpable. He knew that he hadn't gotten everything right with her, but he hoped that at least—
"So you finally figured it out?" she answered, laughing in a melodic overture. "El niño wants to be a martyr?"
"Yeah." Jude said. "I need to be the last person who needs to die in this fight. I remember everything you taught me. I know that you can't avoid fighting forever, fuck, I've been dealing with that for the past few years more and more. I am so tired of being the better person, choosing non-violence and hoping that my trust will be rewarded. I am sick of other people getting hurt because I believe in a better version of the world, in a better version of everybody. I'm… I'm tired, and I don't know what else I can do."
"So what are you going to do about it?" her voice echoed clearly in Jude's mind. "Will you beg forgiveness? Will you prostrate yourself for mercy? Will you compromise who you are, for the good of the people?"
Jude knew that if he crossed that line again, he could never come back. That if he truly let himself give in, to become the monster he felt inside, to reignite the fire deep within him and turn it into a roaring inferno — that he would cease to exist. There would be no Jude, no conscience, no pacifist; there would just be death. Blood on his hands. No. Never again.
"I can't. I won't change who I am, not at the end. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it my way." He shook as he spoke, pain and fog coursing through his mind. "I'm going to fight, but I needed to remember why I was fighting. I needed to remember why I'm still here."
"Jude, do you remember what I said to you, years ago, back when I was still figuring out who I had become?" The voice said in an unusually somber tone.
"No. Sorry."
"I told you that I was both a blessing and a curse — a martyr and a warrior, all in one. I was more than just a woman. I was a trinity of burning rebellion, of liberation, of freedom. I was a movement." She paused, collecting her thoughts. "I became a symbol of revolution. And when I finally understood that, I looked at you. I saw the boy who had burned so bright that he himself was scared of his own flame. I saw the boy who desperately wanted to fight for freedom, to protect the people that were just like him. I saw myself in you. We have the same fire, you know? But yet…"
"But I'm not you." Jude finished for her. "You let your fire spread. I need to keep mine in."
"I had hoped that, after all this time, after watching all the callous ways the world treated your friends, all the horrible fates that befell people like us, all the systemic prejudice that drives every moment in our lives — I hoped you would have given up your pacifism. Imagine how bright we could burn, together?"
"Ms. Zapatista, I can make the world a better place without letting the fires consume everybody else around me. I can make a change, make a difference, leave my mark — and I don't need to sacrifice who I am, just because I'm lashing out."
"Jude. You have no more excuses. You need to decide who you are and what you stand for. Now are you a fire, or are you cinders?"
"Neither. I am going to become ashes, and scatter myself across the world."
"You puzzle me Jude, and yet… that is a fitting ending. The last step. You are joining us?"
"In a way. And if I get everything right."
"I look forward to watching your conflagration. To give you an answer to your question then, to tell you how to find your spark: you have already found it. You just need to let it burn. If you can, I know you will be a beautiful bonfire."
Jude found himself smiling.
"I'll see you on the other side, comrade."
She hung up. But Jude felt the flames inside of him, burning brighter and brighter still. There was still time to go out in a blaze of glory.
bluntfiend's adults only chatroom
bluntfiend has joined bluntfiend's adults only chatroom!
juliachildenthusiast: Jude?
juliachildenthusiast: Holy shit where have you been
bluntfiend: Hey. Just wanted to say final goodbyes before I meet the Jannies. I'm laying low in a church right now, waiting and praying.
lesbian_gengar: i know its a waste of breath (or finger strokes i guess lol) but u really shouldn't do this. not only is it a sin theres no going back once you do it, mr. catholic boy.
bluntfiend: There was never a choice to go back. From the moment we started this fucking thing, it was always going to end like this. This is my fate.
juliachildenthusiast: Ive been thinking about our conversation.
juliachildenthusiast: Are you sure?
bluntfiend: I can't keep living. Not like this.
jockjamsvol6: Jude.
jockjamsvol6: You really dont have to do this. We can keep changing hosts. We can keep moving.
jockjamsvol6: As long as it takes.
bluntfiend: I'm done letting other people die while I fucking suffer. Why won't you just let me give up? Why do I matter?
juliachildenthusiast:Because youre our friend. Because we care about you. You were there for me when Katie killed herself, whose going to be there for us now that youre doing the same?
bluntfiend: That's not my problem. That's the whole thing, don't any of you understand? Let me spell it out: everything that is happening should not have been my problem to solve. I shouldn't have suffered as much as I did, I didn't deserve this - but I did, and it's done. I'm sick of solving every problem but my own, I'm tired of dealing with bullshit landlords and I can't keep being the person you so clearly need me to be!
bluntfiend: Just let me rest. Let me sleep. Give me freedom from this hell, please.
lesbian_gengar: jude… if u do this ur going to be pissing g-d off. r u sure u can handle that at this tender moment?
bluntfiend: God can meet me in hell, and when he does, he can explain why he made the world a place of suffering.
jockjamsvol6: Hey.
jockjamsvol6: Just wanted to let you know that if you go through with this you'll never get to see my ass or abs ever again.
bluntfiend: I think I'll be alright.
bluntfiend: Anything you wanna say while I'm here, bones? Since everyone seems to think they know better than me about me?
bones: Like I said before, I would never mock or doubt you. I believe that you believe you are doing the right thing.
bluntfiend: Gee, thanks for the resounding vote of confidence.
bluntfiend: Whatever.
bluntfiend: I'm out.
bluntfiend has left bluntfiend's adults only chatroom!
jockjamsvol6 has joined GAW General Chatroom!
jockjamsvol6 set the channel topic: Welcome to Gamers Against Weed. If you're here, that means our friend, bluntfiend, reached out to you. You don't have to stay here if you don't want to, but if he was talking to you, it's safe to assume you could stand to have a few friends by your side. We have one rule; be excellent to each other.
jockjamsvol6: I don't know what else to say.