Floppy Misc.

"Inevitable" flavour text


Lost

X [b]You are lost and 2 legs have been added to your expedition.[/b]
2 The wide grasslands spread out before you as far as the eye can see. After hours of navigating with aimless intent, you swear you're travelling in circles: that piercing silver rocky outcropping showed up three times now. You glance at your compass and decide to amble due north through the meadow for the next hour. 30 minutes later, the same rocks appear once more. "I think we're lost, chief," your boneheaded second-in-command mutters. You take a break — perhaps the sun is beating down too hard, perhaps your trousers are on too tight.

You lean on the largest rock, eager to rest… And fall on your hindquarters. Sounds of tearing and shredding echo against the flat rock face. Your compatriots laugh, and through your blush, you spot a broad grin across the rock. Or did you? "Come on, chief, we'll set down here for the night. You can even wear my trousers." He sends you a wink to ease your head. You contemplate bashing your head against the rock to end it all.
3 The wide grasslands spread out before you as far as the eye can see. A member of your touring party yanks your shoulder, tilting you sideways. "Hey, chief, have you tried the coffee the chemists conjured up?" You turn around and notice every member of your party swill a brown liquid down their gullets. You shake your head and venture forth. Throughout the day-long mission, your subordinates ramble like idiots. Coffee bean cultivation techniques, the ethics of using cream versus sugar, and practiced niceties that don't make you look like a total prat at brunch. Et cetera; it all sounds the same. Your mind slips into stagnancy.

A burning smell sears your flesh and nostrils alike. You jolt back and swear out of instinct, then notice your party screaming at each other. They froth: "You wasted the coffee, jackass!" and "Watch how you fucking sip, punk!" alongside a dozen other profanities. You take in your surroundings, noticing only a boring plain shaded in a cartoon vomit-green stretching to every horizon. The beating sun descends into its slumber and you realize you're dead lost, motherfucker. You hope the coffee tasted at least as good as it hurt. [b]You are lost and 2 legs have been added to your expedition.[/b]
4 The wide grasslands spread out before you as far as the eye can see. You order everyone to split up to explore the area quicker. You traverse into a sea of rolling hills and work your way within view of what seems like the highest peak around. You gawk at it, standing idyllic above the plains… Just across a valley of thornbush. You crane your neck skywards, open your mouth, and yell. Startled, nearby birds swoop over and shit. You run, making for the elevated hills surrounding the valley — you will make it to that peak, even if it kills you.

A while into your trek, the skies darken and unleash a downpour. Halfway up the hill, the dirt beneath muddies, hindering your journey. You claw at the dirt and cry and cast a despairing glance. The mudflow makes it difficult. But at last, you arrive. You squint downward at all those beneath you, outstretching your hands. A glimmer of hope reaches from the heavens. You stumble. Weak. You roll down the muddy hill and tumble into a pit of mud. You hear the sound of adults weep: your team members are here too, and they're almost as pathetic as you. Almost. [b]You are lost and 2 legs have been added to your expedition.[/b]
5 The wide grasslands spread out before you as far as the eye can see. God, this is boring, isn't it? "Don't feel so down, chief, we'll make it. I'll even tell ya some jokes. Wanna hear?" your subordinate asks. You shrug. They smirk through yellow teeth and blabber on. "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taxation!" They can barely mutter the punchline as they laugh, and scream, and fall into a tremor of amusement. Your squad-mates overhear and laugh themselves into squalor too. Bile percolates in your gut. The idiocy causes you to shake your head, crouch down, and weep into the dirt. The worms laugh at you. [b]You are lost and 2 legs have been added to your expedition.[/b]
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