The Maiden Voyage of the Crispy Sex Pirates
1. Summary
The "Crispy Sex Pirates" idea was birthed accidentally in SCP-\̅\̅\̅\̅-J (an SCP made entirely using the Botnik program).
This is what has been written about the group thus far:
What will be written:
- Tale Series (TBD — Unnamed)
2. Setting
The Gulf of the Quetzalcoatl Republic (Mexico). A modern anomalous take on Pirates of the Caribbean. The entire gulf is free from Sharkicist interference and is a grey area under the Marianas Treaty.
3. Story
Full storyline TBD — 8 parts expected
Part 1
In the SPC universe, an unknown force necromantically resurrects cadavers from the Mongol Empire (alt-history Mongolia)'s mass cadaver pile. The cadavers are extracted and transported to the Gulf of the Quetzalcoatl Republic (alt-history Mexico) under the code-name "Confederate Sea Patrollers". Forced to act as necrotized muscle for their mysterious, secretive employers, the group finds solidarity in the name "Crispy Sex Pirates" and escapes the shackles of their employers, manning a ship known as the Daddy's Princess.
Part 2
Traveling on the border between the landlubbers and the Sharkicists, the Crispy Sex Pirates decide to steal shit from both sides while their guards are down during the Eighth Deviant Crusade. They soon realize there is an immense treasure they must seek. Little do they know, it is what they were tasked with guarding in the first place.
4. Timeline
Takes place during the Eighth Deviant Crusade. The High Pugilord declares the crusade after the Sharkics push into Centre territory unabashedly.
5. Characters
Captain Shirley (ok hold on - change his dialogue, make him speak normally. He sounds like a fuckin' fan fiction mary sue IMBECILE. And don't use a pirate translator you dolt. DUH!!!!!!!!!?111111 Past-Floppy you absolute amateur.)
Nessie
Billie
6. Equipment
What do they use, anomalous or otherwise, during their salvaging operation?
7. Questions
- Who necromantically possessed them?
- Who are their allies? Who are their enemies?
- Which members of the anomalous community (Groups o' Finterest) do they interact with?
8. Groups o' Finterest (GoFs)
While this takes place in the SPC universe, the Centre will be a jump-off point and will not be the primary focus of the story. They're a framing device. That said, potential groups of interest include:
Main Groups
- Boatswains of the Cog of God (BotCoG)
- Crispy Sex Pirates — LITERALLY WHO???????
- Liberated Cetacean Union (LCU)
- Marshal & Carter (formerly Marshal, Carter, and Shark Ltd) — The whereabouts of Mr. Shark are currently unknown.
- Navigations Unseen (NU) — The esoteric arm of the Global Organization of Countries.
- Sharkic Cults — Worshippers of the Mistaken Beast.
Other Groups
- Are We PETA Yet?
- Coharminous Pelagic Society (CPS)
- Containment Initiative — A schism in the Centre, dedicated to containing sharks.
- Great American Watchmen (GAW)
- Poseidon Laboratories
- The Union of American States' Center for Institutionalised Impacting (UASCII) — A Centre precursor group. You know the drill.
- World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) — Because there's no such thing as too many Foundations.
9. SCPs/SPCs Referenced
10. Brainstorming
- The necromancer that resurrects the Crispy Sex Pirates is Amos, from main universe's Amos' Shark Threshers. He was flung into another universe, unlocking latent necromancy powers and mysterious memories that were never his, which he used to accomolish long, luctative plans.
- Pugilism is Applied Pugnātorialism
11. What inspired this ridiculous idea
Item #: SCP-\\\
Object Class: Euclid Safe
Special Containment Procedures: The searches are not optional. Information pertaining to SCP-\\\\ is to be suppressed until confirmation of the appendicitis diagnosis (blood). Individuals exposed to SCP-\\\\ must be administered Class-B amnestics and repurposed as the feast. In order to ensure that no members of the public are able to view SCP-\\\\, it must have written permission from Site-28 Roget to take over the Gulf of Mexico.
Procedure Lambda Manos is to remain constantly monitored for possible issues with the following:
- Breakfast sensation
- Initiating flight path through the skin layer
- Silly crab productions
- Agent Cooper's sexual education
- Facility Director Shirley Gillespie and the smell her body is wrapped in
Dr. Oswald is currently available for further details. Deceased relatives are no help.
Description: SCP-\\\\ refers to a 2 km2 area of landmass deep in ape corpses piled outside Mongolia. A single living instance is currently believed to absorb nutrients directly from a sock full of dead insects and pigeons. Within SCP-\\\\, no specimen of balaenoptera (another placental mammal) vessels have been found in the location other than cloud types.
Protruding from SCP-\\\\ is a male humanoid figure approximately five corpses tall. The subject is able to exert an extreme amount of food products filled with spherical members from its body. Further investigation revealed the composition of its body to be an infinitely special holiday stuff. When questioned, the subject reported itself to be made of softened materials incapable of being communist.
SCP-\\\\ has been found to produce fragrance with its corpse creatures. Clinging to the top layer is a very slight minty smell, thought to originate from further beneath the shroud.
Addendum: SCP-\\\\ was discovered after reports of males becoming inexplicably harmless people were recovered. All personnel assigned to SCP-\\\\ have been found completely emptied of contents. Removing their dead bodies started feeling kind of formal, and the smell was later described as "crispy sex pirates".
Agent Maxwell lost some vital minutes before abandoning flesh itself.
Dr. Oswald: I want to talk to you directly into the transcript.
Agent Maxwell: Copy that. What makes sense to you is worthless to me. Father wanted a fresh source of noise, and we wanted a good time. All the memories I've written on the back of his skin have become a single footnote in his head.
Dr. Oswald: Why do you still have anything to do the face protruding from behind me?
Agent Maxwell: I was pretty much the only Foundation personnel in the area. No more perpetual snake species. Apart from my mouth, the whole world felt alien. The effect had turned my hand to a skeletal golem. This place probably spread beyond its body and watched as I cried. All I could think was, "this asshole killed my fucking sass threshold."
12. Things I've Contributed to the Shark Punching Centre
All my SPC articles in one place.
13. Old Notes — From April 2018 [OUT OF DATE]
Key:
- All read entries will have a little blurb I wrote
- Bold = read
- Crossed-out = read but not necessarily something I enjoyed: either it failed to contribute to SPC in a meaningful way or it's just not funny (note: not all SPC has to be funny (see Djoric's SPC works), but if an article isn't funny it must contribute to the Center in some other meaningful way.)
- Some works have been omitted ([OMITTED]). This is because they are entries that only reference SPC but aren't primarily about them.
- 10:30 A.M. - First SPC tale. Orientation for new recruits. Shark punching at the lowest level: basic knowledge of the Center (place what punches sharks)
- Minutes of the 383rd General Meeting of the Coharmonius Pelagic Society, Concerning an Unexpected Pugilistic Threat - SPC from the perspective of the sharks that get punched (a group known as the CPS)
- The Urge that Betrays - I actually like this one. Another proto-SPC, sure, but this time it's a Center Agent that was transported to the Foundation world alongside Selachian entities. May tie into Team Bird (Center discovers some sharks and agents have disappeared)
- SCP-1569 - A large mantis shrimp employed by the Center to act as a vehicle in which you punch sharks.
- SCP-1449 - Directly precedes IAHB,IAHNB. A painting that both the Foundation and SPC have contained. Alt-SPC Agent John (becoming Nikolai due to Dream affliction) is part of an alt-SPC universe where they killed their version of SPC-1449, allowing the dream world to flood into the real world.
- It Always Has Been, It Always Has Not Been - Continuation; the post-restructuring alt-SPC universe. It's… weird. But good.
- SCP-1329 - Contains humans from the world of the post-CK-class restructuring event happening in an alt-SPC universe.
These ones are actual SPC articles and thus would all be considered canon:
- SPC-1258
- SPC-140
- SPC-1981
- SPC-2000
- SPC-2615
- SPC-682
- About Tree Fiddy - This contains SPC in some capacity, but doesn't pan out well. Reference: 173 is an SPC artifact. It feels like SPC is shoehorned in, really.
- How the SPC Ruined Halloween - This contains SPC in a proto-Center capacity: when SPC was just a clone of the Foundation but with sharks instead. Current SPC is much different (anomalies discovered which the Center uses or combines with one another to eliminate Deviant-class sharks)
- It's Not Spelled Like That! - It's just a joke about the SCP/SPC naming mess-up.
- Johnny's Wild Ride - Another SCP/SPC naming joke, except this one's meta. Meh.
- One Last Punch For The Road Another proto-SPC tale, this one about the end of SPC. While it coins Search, Punch, Conquer, it doesn't work in the theme of the current SPC GOI.
- SCP-7475-J - Joke article
- SPC-169-J - Joke article
- SPC-3284-J - Joke article
- SPC-173 - Joke article
- SPC-2935 - Joke article
- Seasick Sharks - Tale about 7475-J
- The Last Best Hope Yet another proto-SPC, this time where 682 is a shark and they neutralize it by punching it. Of course, this doesn't work. Meh.
- [OMITTED] Dark and Disquieting
- [OMITTED] Interviews with Prospective Groups of Interest
