Directive: Make America Normaler

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Directive: Make America Normaler (or MAN) describes the Unusual Incidents Unit and the United States Government's goal of maintaining normalcy in all facets of American civilian life. The United States Government has deemed this imperative to the sanity and well-being of its people. In the removal of abnormalities, among the most successful initiatives was the displacement of said activity into the Three Portlands, a pocket universe / city that exists alongside the physical location of Portland, Oregon. This was considered sufficient precedent to justify Operation: MAN's Best Friend.

MAN's Best Friend

Operation: MAN's Best Friend

Summary: THUS-1221 (Boring, Oregon) is an area of disproportionate anomalous activity within Oregon. Operation: MAN's Best Friend seeks to reduce said activity through exporting it to Three Portlands via the nearby Portland, Oregon. By siphoning anomalies to Three Portlands, we can ensure the Veil's future in upholding and maintaining normalcy¹. We expect to accomplish this by creating a Way from THUS-1221 to Three Portlands, through which locals can take said anomalies and sell them in the Three Portlands market. UIU agents already present in Three Portlands would overlook all of said market operations.

Plan of Action

In years prior, Wilson's Wildlife Solutions (WWS) has been too closely connected to the SCP Foundation's power structure to allow for implementation of MAN's Best Friend. However, recent developments — under the leadership of Faeowynn Wilson, the successor to Tim Wilson after his death in the summer of 2024 — have gained them newfound independence and agency outside of the Foundation's supervision.

Due to this, it is likely that Ms. Wilson would be open to (and able to accept) exporting anomalies from THUS-1221 into Three Portlands. It is also believed that the economic landscape of Three Portlands is lacking in anomalous animal distribution, lessening the possibility of competition for the prospective business. The current approach is as follows:

• Suggest the creation of an adoption center in Three Portlands, where WWS could take anomalies that they can not contain or that would be easy to handle as a pet. This can be framed as a joint operation between the UIU and WWS to alleviate the pressure of containing the majority of anomalies from THUS-1221 so as to reduce the risk of a breach in the Veil.
• Depending on the nature of the adoption center, it might be possible to embed agents within it, which would establish clearer intel on their inner workings. This would allow for closer monitoring of the success of MAN's Best Friend.
• Offer to help familiarize them with Three Portlands. Such operations can serve as a venue through which to oversee their business ventures.
• Offer monetary contributions to the project to expedite the process. It is also possible to use this action as a venue to ask that WWS returns said money at a low interest rate from profits, leading to a small financial gain.
• Directly contribute to the marketing for and dissemination of information about the adoption center's opening to denizens of Three Portlands, also as a means to hasten the process.
• Through all of the above actions, establish a relationship with WWS as allies instead of supervisors, contrary to the relationship under Tim Wilson. An amiable relationship would lead to more willingness to share their Three Portlands interactions. A supervisory relationship would be more difficult to establish, due to Ms. Wilson's stricter business practices and the continued support of and from the SCP Foundation.

Current Progress

2028/4/16: Contact was established with Faeowynn Wilson and a meeting was proposed between herself, any staff she would like to have with her, and three UIU representatives. She accepted, and the meeting was scheduled for 4/21.

2028/4/21: The meeting was largely successful, and Ms. Wilson met the idea of starting an adoption center with enthusiasm. It was suggested that several UIU agents escort Ms. Wilson and trusted WWS staff through Three Portlands to become acquainted with the area. Our representatives presented the idea to the Operation Director, and it was summarily approved. Email correspondence has set a date for 4/29.

2028/4/29: Tour of Three Portlands was deemed successful. Ms. Wilson seemed optimistic about the prospect of establishing an adoption center in Three Portlands, as she believed it would relieve pressure on WWS, and create further connections with the anomalous community. However, herself and her entourage did express anxiety about the acquisition of property in Three Portlands, and transport of anomalies to and from. As such, Ms. Wilson was informed that the UIU have a contact.

2028/4/30: UIU agents awaited the arrival of Capital R, a real estate agent acquainted with extradimensional and otherwise anomalous locations². As expected, Capital R appeared in the Operation Director's office during her lunch break, and waited for her return. After confirming its identity the operation was explained in full, and Capital R promised that they would be able to procure several options with "sufficient pay", though the rate was not determined before they disappeared. However, Capital R's rates have been flexible in past interactions, and are expected to remain well within MAN's Best Friend's budget.

Ms. Wilson was informed of the interaction, and was told that Capital R is expected to return with results within the following week. She expressed pleasure at this transaction, but had no further input.

2028/5/5: The following document was faxed to the Operation Director:

Extradimensional Purchase 10324-K: "Adoption Center + Way"

Clients: Faeowynn Wilson of Wilson's Wildlife Solutions and her advisor, Soandso AgentMan of the FBI Unusual Incidents Unit (You feds are always so rude and annoyed, so I suppose I'll be rude back for a change. Hmph.)
Currency: The United States dollar, and some remembrance, of course.

Let's get cookin', shall we? Now, this first one is a little special…

Vista-2X4W: Come on down to one of the greatest homes in the multiverse! This towering mansion includes a breathtaking view of a vast garden of edible flora. Say goodbye to trudging your way to the grocery store every week, for with this property, you'll never have to leave the comfort of your own home.

Designed by and for Fae, this property comes in at an astounding TWO-HUNDRED USD.

Oh Faeowynn, I know you won't be able to fit the animals in here, but I couldn't resist suggesting this lustrous residence to such a beautiful Fae. Besides, you're one of the only Fae I've ever met.

I've got to say, though, for a Fae, your name isn't all that unique. You just added an 'owynn' to the end. Alas, that's none of my business. However, I hope you'll consider taking advantage of this fantastic deal— even if it's not quite what you're looking for at the moment.

Now, this next one's a bit of a doozy.

Facility-3G4K: Want a safe, private location for your business, school, or other establishment? Well, this facility is the place for you! At two stories tall, we'll fully customize it to fit you and your needs.

Warning: animal products near this property may be suddenly launched eastwards and sucked outside of the city. If this happens, please evacuate immediately.

So, funny story, I found this vortex just outside of town— and for some odd reason it sucks up any meat around it— you know, beef, pork, human, all that kinda stuff. I've been testing, but I haven't tried approaching it with a live animal yet.

Perhaps you'd like to experiment around with the property? I know your organization has a surplus of money, plus it would be a shame for you all to pass up this offer.

But honestly, between you and me, I just really needed to share this thing with someone. I mean, not every day do you stumble across a meat vortex.

Now, here's a good one…

Facility-6E0W: In the north of Three Portlands, this facility overlooks an enclosed, private courtyard for any of your botany research needs. With numerous rooms and areas, you'll never have to worry about running out of space!

This property is very flexible! Want a school? A hotel? An office? This facility has the amenities to take on any project!

My favorite part about this property is that it's close to a Way, which I could, well, "hijack" makes it sound so brutish, but you get the idea. Said Way is also relatively low traffic, making this location the cheapest and fastest to transport to and from.

The private courtyard can easily be repurposed as a holding area for bigger animals, or perhaps we could even build a giant aviary. And then there's all the room for little pets— it's practically perfect.

Now, this one's a bit of a stretch, but…

Plot-3N4U: Just outside the bustling heart of Three Portlands, this plot of land is readily fertile for any of your extradimensional farming needs! Bundled with its own mini artificial sun, your crops will also be pumped nutrients twenty-four seven, so you never have to worry about famine or disease ravaging your fields.

Note: Due to the nature of this plot's soil, mass upkeep is necessary. Please try not to leave the property for more than seven days, lest your crops grow far too large.

I was thinking I could get something built here. It's the cheapest of the batch— mostly used for farmers and extreme gardening hobbyists— plus we could sell off the sun & supercharged soil to make a nice chunk of cash.

It would allow for plenty of customization on how you want the adoption center arranged as well. However, construction in Three Portlands tends to take a while, as they have to drag materials and heavy machinery through Ways which is a… very strenuous process.

All depends on how fast you want the property in your hands, really.

Well, that's all. Please contact me if you'd like more information on any of the properties, I'll be there lickity-split.

~ Capital R

Notably, the office's fax machine is only capable of printing in black and white, and no prices were listed except the first. A trimmed document with only the third and fourth options has been delivered to Ms. Wilson, and a tour of the suggested areas has been scheduled for this coming Saturday.

2028/5/6: The tour went well, and Ms. Wilson requested time to think on her decision. She was assured that there is no rush.

2028/5/8: Ms. Wilson predictably selected the fourth option. A second meeting with Capital R, with Ms. Wilson present, has been scheduled for the following Thursday.

2028/5/11: The meeting with Capital R was successful and WWS is now in possession of the property and an associated Way, with financial assistance from the UIU (a repayment at a low interest rate has been established, as planned). Capital R requested, along with payment, that several silver plates engraved with capital Rs are to be built into the building. Ms. Wilson expressed confusion and suspicion on this point, but was assured that this was normal behavior for transactions of this kind with Capital R. This seemed to put her more or less at ease.

With the property owned, development of the adoption center will soon be underway.

Footnotes

1. The proposed alternative, of neutralizing anomalies within THUS-1221, was rejected as it would risk direct confrontation with the locals, and subsequently the SCP Foundation.

2. Capital R only appears to those who wish to seek his presence, but no other method of contact is currently known.

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Comment by Jacob Conwell:

Eh. I guess I have some trouble buying the set up for this, as it has a fair number of holes in the plan, at least from my standpoint as a reader and frequent contributor to Three Portlands articles.

Operation: MAN's Best Friend seeks to reduce said activity through exporting it to Three Portlands via the nearby Portland, Oregon.

Right off the bat, a problem arises in that the UIU/US Government is planning on taking anomalies from a location where they are relatively commonplace and therefore easier to maintain the Veil. Even if jettisoning them into 3Ports is more stable in the end, the fact that to do so would require you to, at some point, cart anomalous animals on foot through a major civilian population center seems counterproductive to an operation whose goal is to maintain the veil. This is especially true in an era of prevalent ability for civilians being able to film and record such things.

We expect to accomplish this by supplying locals with thaumaturgically sealed vans who can then take said anomalies and sell them in the Three Portlands market through a UIU monitored Way

People always seem to forget that cars are not things that exist in Three Portlands, it even says as such on the Three Portlands info page on this wiki. This again would require you to take whatever the anomaly is out of the car and transport it through the Way on foot, which at best runs the risk of exposure without proper countermeasures, and is actively dangerous to civilians at worst.

The rest of the article, Capital R's shenanigans and the timeline are fine enough and got a chuckle out of me in a few places.

That said, the whole venture seems to be rather convoluted. Last I checked, the US Government, and the UIU, are not bound by the Foundation's Creed of protecting the anomalous even in the event of a posed threat. Given that the animals at WWS are just that, animals, if their presence in Boring was such a threat why wouldn't they just be terminated? Seems a more cost-effective solution to the problem from the US Government's end without running the risk of exposure the act of hauling them to Three Portlands would envoke.

-1 from me, I'm afraid. I just don't buy this plan of attack and feel that if the goal of the US Government/UIU is to preserve the Veil here, this course of action would be a fairly poor means of doing that.