Jamcon part 2 electric boogaloo: goi format edition!
Capital R time! If you don't know about him, he's been in two other articles, here and here. He's a very fun fellow DarkStuff and I have made.
Thank you to my critters:
- bixby
- laneous
- DrMoned
- fbubby
Context: I can't believe I'm working with these idiots…
Darhickey Snoobop of the… Harbleshnuck Clan (what the fuck even is that name???) needs an area where he can "start big boom-booms" without issue. It's simple enough…
Compiling results from backbrain…
Extradimensional Purchase 001452-I: "Area To Start Big Boom-Booms!"
Client: Darhickey Snoobop
Currency: Gold. Pure gold. Where'd you even find pure gold?
Well, I guess we should just get right into it, eh?
Plane-2ET5: Want your own plane of existence? Travel above the material plane and become ethereal with this property! Don't like the boring, glowy gravel below your feet? Well, we have a special crown that allows you to manipulate the whole plane however you'd like!
Warning: after you have ascended, you gain eternal life and are no longer able to come back to the material plane.
Is… is this all? Backbrain, start another search.
Compiling results from backbrain…
No other results found.
Are you kidding me? I'm not ascending these hillbillies to practical godhood. Search again.
No other results found.
Again.
No other results found. How many times do I have to say this?
Don't get an attitude with me, backbrain! I may not have any good threats since you're a part of me, but… uh… dammit.
Alright… clip this message and the above exchange out of the document we send to them. I'll give my final statement.
So, Darhickey! Turns out I've got only one property that'd fit your needs— it is a busy season around now, so all of my coworkers are selling a lot of our real estate. What I'd recommend is that you wait a few seasons for something a bit cheaper. In fact, I could even let you know when something that fits your needs opens up! Get back to me when you've made your decision.
~ Capital R
Profit: They bought the plane… so I have a literal ton of gold bars. Where do I even keep these? What do people do with gold nowadays?
Whelp. I guess I'll just bury it or something.
On the plus side, with customers in the ethereal plane that means someone will always be around to remember me, and thus I get to live! But was it worth it?
No. No it wasn't. I'm closing this file and I hope I never have to see it again.
Followup Note: Oh boy. Where do I start?
So… everyone in the Harbleshnuck Clan is basically a god now. Eternal life to… 'start big boom-booms,' in their words. I should've predicted something like this would happen.
Long story short, they somehow managed to make an explosive so powerful that it blew through the ethereal plane and now a bunch of ethereal gravel is pouring into the Pacific Ocean. And there's an infinite amount of ethereal gravel in the ethereal plane.
Sea levels are already rising. The Foundation is trying to find some way to stop it, last I heard, but I'm not sure they even knew there are multiple planes of existence, so that'll go well.
On the bright side, nobody investigating the hole knows about my involvement! I won't get in big trouble for this!
But I'm making a new rule. Never sell anything to any hillbilly/redneck 'clan' again.
Well, that's assuming the hole between planes is patched and I don't die. And if I do?
Honestly? I deserve it.