Backlight Chapter 7

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CHAPTER 7: FAMILY REUNION

I spend the first full day at Jahid’s just sleeping. I don’t know if it’s Otto healing my broken arm or the whole clusterfuck with Nigel that makes me so exhausted, but here we are either way.

When I finally wake up somewhat, I end up laying in Jahid’s bed and staring at the countless unread texts and calls I’ve gotten from Dad and my sister. Is it too late for me to answer…? Is it too late for me to try apologizing for disappearing on them?

My finger slips and I accidentally open my dad’s text thread. Oh… Oh man, there’s a lot in here. I scroll up to where I dropped off the radar.

May 30th. Around when I started my fucking booze bender. Yeah, seems about right.

Dad: Text me if you need anything.

… Fucking ow.

Over the following week, he texted me at least once a day to check up on me. I scroll down. Occasionally he’s said he visited my apartment, but I either wasn’t there or didn’t answer the door. Sometimes he asked me if we could meet up, to plan the funeral or to just talk.

The hardest texts to read are the ones where he just asks me to text back or to answer the phone.

Eventually, I reach the bottom of the thread. The latest text is from yesterday. Probably when I was passed out.

Dad: Are you okay? I’m worried.

I stare at the bubble. I open the keyboard and stare at the blinking cursor.

What the fuck do I say to him?

I type, erase, type again and erase again. Nothing I type feels good enough. Nothing conveys how awful about this I feel. Eventually, I have to settle with something subpar. I need to break the ice somehow.

Valo Huang: I’m sorry.

Valo Huang: For cutting you out. For not replying.

Dad answers almost immediately.

Dad: Valo! Are you okay? Where are you? Have you eaten?

Despite everything, I smile a little. I missed him.

Valo Huang: I’m alive. I’m at Jahid’s.

Dad: Thank goodness! What happened? Can I call you?

Valo Huang: Can we text instead? I can’t talk.

Dad: What about later? Can I call later?

Valo Huang: No, I can’t talk at all. My voice is gone.

Dad: What? Oh my dear child, what happened to you?

Wow, that’s… A lot to unpack.

Valo Huang: It’s too long to tell over text. I got into some bad company.

Dad: Are you in trouble?!

Valo Huang: I was. I’m safe now, I hope. I’m working on it.

Dad: Valo. Valo, my dear child. Why didn’t you talk to us?

My chest stings. Why didn’t I…?

Valo Huang: I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m sorry.

Valo Huang: I wasn’t thinking straight.

Valo Huang: I’m sorry.

Dad: It’s fine. It’s fine! I’m just glad you’re okay.

Goddammit, I’m starting to tear up.

Valo Huang: Aalto is probably mega mad, though…

Dad: I will not lie, she is.

Dad: But she’s mostly been stressed and sad. Same as you.

I rub my eyes. Why is he being so nice? Do I deserve this?

Dad: Can we meet? Coffee. Just talk. Catch up.

I agree without thinking. It might be a bad idea to go out for family reunions, but I just miss him so much. I miss my dad and I want to see him. It feels like it’s been ages since I’ve seen him.

We agree on to meet up at dad’s place in a few hours.

I get out of Jahid’s bed and shower. Just as I finish dressing, Jahid knocks on the bedroom door.

“Are you u- ah, you showered,” he says as he steps in.

I’m not that dysfunctional yet,” I say, with a sardonic smile.

Jahid stares at my face for a second, reading my expression. “Good to hear,” he finally says, with a small smile.

I texted Dad,” I say, rolling a damp strand of hair between my fingers.

Jahid nods. “How did it go?”

I need to go and see him. I want to talk to him.

Jahid nods again. “You probably shouldn’t go alone.”

Yeah.

“I’m coming with you.”

Thank you.

With that, we leave.

When we get to my parents'… Dad’s place, he opens the door almost immediately. He beams when he sees me and promptly pulls me into a hug. “Oh, my child, I was so worried,” he murmurs. He pulls back and takes a long look at me. His smile shrinks noticeably when he sees that I look like hot garbage.

My words, not his.

Dad lets us in and we head to the kitchen. Aalto is waiting there for us. She looks… exhausted. Slightly annoyed. Jahid and I sit down and dad gets us coffee and pulla.

The first few sips were spent in silence.

God, I’ve been really selfish in my grief. I haven’t even been processing any of it; I’ve been just ignoring my problems and feelings while burying myself in… whatever Nigel would drag me in.

My chest stings at the thought of Nigel.

A whole lot of good that got me, too.

I break the silence. "I… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry." It takes me several dozen seconds to find words. "I honestly don’t even have an excuse. I felt so hopeless, but I knew you also had your own sorrow. I didn’t want to add on to that so I… I just started avoiding. Everything. My problems and… everything. I’m sorry."

Aalto sighs heavily. There are tears in that sound. I’ve never seen her this resigned. “I… I’m honestly too tired to get even mad at you.” She rubs her eyes. “What happened to you? What have you been doing all this time? Why are you talking with that fucking phone now?”

“You said you got into bad company,” Dad says slowly.

I nod and gather my thoughts. I tell them about Nigel. How I met him, what I did with him. I tell them about the clusterfuck that was the ghost hunt. I almost tell them about the magic circle at Anna’s apartment, but… They don’t need to know. They’d just worry more. Or they wouldn’t believe me. I know I have a hard time believing it myself. Either way, as far as they know, it was the failed ghost hunt that made me come to my senses.

After I finish, dad looks terrified. Aalto looks like she would be angry, if she had the energy to. She looks disappointed and resigned.

“I can’t believe you,” she says.

I know, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up for you two?

Aalto is quiet for a moment, tapping the spoon against the bottom of her mug.

“The best apology is changed behaviour,” Dad says. "We could look for someone for you to talk to and work on… this. After the funeral."

That actually sounds good. I nod. "Yeah, let’s do that."

Dad smiles and pats my hand. "We’re going to be fine. You have us. We’re here for you. Lean on us for a change."

I nod. “What about the funeral? Can I do something for it?

"There’s nothing left to do, really,” Aalto says, “Just show up, if you feel like it." She pauses, spinning the spoon in her mug. "… Bring your good camera, if you do. You could take photos."

"Okay. Yeah, I’ll do that." I'll take the best goddamn photos anyone has ever taken at a funeral.

Aalto nods and sips her coffee.

A silence falls on us, until Dad clears his throat and breaks it. “Now that our family problems are dealt with… How are you, Jahid?”

From here on out, we just talk about lighter stuff. It’s… surprisingly calming. I needed that. I honestly needed this. I need some normalcy in my life right now. I almost forget about every fucked up thing in my life at the moment. Right now I’m just a normal genderfluid mess of a person talking with their family and a friend.

It’s exactly what I needed.

Eventually, Jahid and I head back to Jahid’s apartment. As if with a wordless agreement, we gravitate to Jahid's bedroom and Jahid closes the thick curtains. Those curtains are amazing. They actually make the room dark, even if the sun is still fully up.

Jahid lies down on his bed next to me. Our arms press against each other as we lie close together, side by side - we used to do this all the time in upper secondary school. So often, actually, that rumours spread that we were dating. Although in retrospect, I feel like that it was mostly because Jahid (along with everyone else) thought that he was a woman. And because I am what most people think is a man. Because you know, men and women simply can not be "just friends".

Back then, we mostly just talked while just lying side by side. Those moments were special to us. We’d get deep. We’d get vulnerable. We could say anything and trust the other to not tell it forwards to judge. We revealed our ugliest scars to each other while lying in my or Jahid’s (depending whose house we were at) bed. It was… really cosy and therapeutic. Doing this again feels like slipping into an old, comfortable hoodie that you've worn for so many times that it almost holds your shape.

Why did we stop doing this?

Jahid draws a breath."Isn’t it weird how you can just… know someone for ages and think about them in a certain way, but then one thing happens and your whole perspective on them shifts."

I glance at him, but I only see his profile silhouetted against the dim light barely shining through the curtains. I turn my phone’s screen on and the light engulfs us and dims the rest of the world away. We’re the only ones awake in this small world that the beam of light from my phone frames. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."

"Uh… I mean, like. Love at first sight, but… you’ve known them for a while, right?"

I wait for him to elaborate.

"Like, you’ve known this person for some time and they have never before… You haven’t looked at them in… um… You’ve always thought of them in the platonic sense. And one day you meet them again and it’s just. Like a flip of a switch, you just… see them differently."

I consider his words. "Can’t say that that’s ever happened to me."

Jahid stares at the ceiling. "I suppose not."

"I’m guessing you have?"

Jahid turns his head away and says nothing. His silence spoke more than words.

"Have you told them?"

Jahid is quiet for a moment. "No."

"You should. Anyone would be lucky to have you."

Jahid is quiet for another moment. "Th-thank you." He rolls over and pulls the bedsheet acting as a blanket over himself. "Goodnight, Valo.”

Goodnight.

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